Lifeline

The other day I was pondering my life and came to the conclusion that I couldn’t believe I had made it as far as I have. Meaning, I can’t believe I’m still alive. I sat in amazement wondering how God could have put up with me for so long.

I also began to think about my past and for so long I thought I understood God, the church, Christianity and the right way of living. Then I thought about how the church, preaching and God just made me feel worthless and like a failure. In guilt I came to believe I must have been God’s greatest disappointment.

I remember many times I would go to church camp, revival or seminar and decide within my own will power that this time would be different. (By the way, I have no will power to do what is right, only wrong.) I was going to make further down the road this time. Nothing was going to stop me. I was going to serve the Lord and nothing was getting in my way. No more failure for me. This would last for at least 2 – 4 weeks, then Boom! My spirit was willing, but my flesh was weak. By the way, that’s a false statement. The truth is/was my spirit was weak and my flesh was strong. I didn’t want to walk away from the sinful desires in my life and I was easily influenced to return to them.

Where did I develop the belief that I was supposed to be perfect? Why didn’t God help me like He said He would in His word? Over the years I came to believe that God wasn’t true to His Word and in my late 30’s I was getting pretty angry at God and everyone else. I’d try blaming everyone that I could. I believed that everyone else had it figured out and I was standing ignorantly out in the cold rain. After years of believing this there was no place for me to go but depression.

After wallowing around in depression for over a year I was getting close to hitting bottom. I hadn’t hit bottom yet because I still hadn’t ran to God. I was still trying to figure it out on my own.

Then God began to lovingly and gently throw me lifelines. He wasn’t pushing me, but was drawing me in to safety. I will never forget His loving gentleness and patience as if I was a skittish, timid, abused puppy. He continued to gracefully and calmly throw me lifelines and led me to a place to release all my hurt and anger and to restore our relationship in truth. All my life I had succumbed to the many lies satan has so carefully weaved into my heart. Now my Lord and God continually removes the lies and is replacing them with Truth. I didn’t learn all the lies overnight nor has God removed them overnight. You see, I had to be broken and flushed out completely before I was willing to look up.

Many times I have believed that these lifelines didn’t start occurring until this time in my life, but the truth was that God had been throwing these lines to me all my life. I can’t help but think of this song:

Time after time I was searching for peace in some void
I was trying to blame all my ills on this world I was in
Surface relationships used me till I was done in
But all the while someone was begging to free me from sin

Chorus
He was there all the time
He was there all the time
Waiting patiently in line
He was there all the time

Never again will I search for a fake rainbows end
Now that I’ve found the answer my life is just starting to rhyme
Sharing each new day with Him is a breath of fresh life
Oh what I've missed He's been waiting right here all the time

Repeat Chorus

This describes where I was very accurately.

You're cheating on God. If all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of God and his way. And do you suppose God doesn't care? The proverb has it that "he's a fiercely jealous lover." And what he gives in love is far better than anything else you'll find. It's common knowledge that "God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble."

So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he'll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet. James 4:4-10