I would go to church camps and seminars and would come home recharged and ready to take on the world because I had been revived and energized only to fall flat on my face in a couple of weeks. I would have a Bible reading and prayer time and memorize scripture by the chapters hoping it would help because the Bible said, “I have hidden Your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.” Psalm 119:11 I just couldn’t seem to get it right. So I would throw in the towel and give up thinking I was just too stupid to understand or I was just too bad of a person to make it.
Over time I would be revived again and take another run at it thinking maybe this time it would be different, but even though I might make it a little further down the road I eventually threw in the towel and gave up again. Each time I felt a little worse than the time before. Guilt had me weighed down so heavily I couldn’t even get up this time. I did a full sprint away from God and went to a place that was horrible. I ate some bitter food.
Then in June 2000 God drew me back in gently revealing things to me I never understood before. I actually started getting excited again and coming back to life. Then in May 2003 God opened my eyes to see Him as He really is and not the lies I had in my head. It was amazing. I later understood that Jesus never left me, He was just waiting for the right time.
During this time of growth all those scriptures I had memorized earlier in my life had started to make since. They would come to me at certain times where God would explain them to me in a way I could understand. I was still skittish as an abused dog and many times I would get scared and start to throw in the towel, but Jesus would carry me on threw. This happened frequently.
The Lord has taught me so much in these past years and it has been so amazing. What really amazed me is I had even forgotten about the towel. Wow! I don’t have one anymore. I’m not saying that I can’t fall again. I’m saying if I threw in the towel I have no where to go but back to where I was and I assure you I don’t want to ever go back there again. It would be like living in a comfortable house in the desert where I had food, drink and air-conditioning and to leave it would mean crossing the desert of 120 degree heat and 1000 miles away from anything. It was a horrible place and no matter what struggles I have now they can’t compare to living a life without God.
The problem I had most of my life was trying to serve God in what I thought was the right thing and in my own power. I thought I had surrendered to God, but I couldn’t surrender when I still had my own desires and plans. It was only when I had nothing left and was flat on my face and cornered was I finally able to surrender. This is why I like to work with people that are over 40. It took this long for me to eat enough dirt and try doing things my own way before I really gave up. I had made a real mess of things.
A verse that really touched me and it still does today is, “And they shall know the truth and the truth will set them free.” John 8:34 When I started realizing the truth the more freedom I received. If you are still confused and want to give up it means that you haven’t found the truth yet. However, you do have to seek it.
I was feeling a little sorry for myself this morning feeling like I just don’t seem to fit anywhere. I’ve had several health problems and still do and so I feel trapped. I felt like God had turned His back on me and really doesn’t have any use for me any longer. I felt like He had set me on the shelf and all I have to do now is wait to die.
It’s times like this is when we are really tested. As long as things are wonderful and going my way I don’t have to trust God. It’s when things look bleak is when my true character stands out. Do I trust God or not. All I have to say is that God has brought me this far and I want to go all the way. I’ve attached a song that God brought to me this morning and I wanted to share it with you. It’s called, “Time to Trust.”